Last year my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer and wound up having a double mastectomy. Throughout this process she had three doctors: an oncologist, a cancer surgeon, and a reconstructive (plastic) surgeon. Like all people, each of these doctors had a distinct style and personality. When I first met each one of them, in my mind I classified them in 2 ways: cars and haircuts. (I don’t know why, it’s just what I do.) I guess we could also call it my “appearances and assumptions” classifications.
The Oncologist
This was the first doctor we met in our cancer journey. He was middle aged, very distinguished and professional, with just a slight bit of gray hair starting to show. He always wore a coat and tie. He was also very kind and considerate. He would talk with you as long as you wanted, answering any questions you had, and would explain things in an easily understandable way. I would picture him as driving a higher end BMW or Lexus.
The Cancer Surgeon
This doctor was also very distinguished and professional. A bit older, with a good bit more gray hair, I would estimate he is nearing retirement in the next few years. He usually had on a shirt and tie with the traditional white lab coat. Although still very kind, he tended to be more technical and a good bit more direct and to the point. He sometimes relied on his assistant to explain things to us after he left. I would definitely see him as driving a top of the line Jaguar or Mercedes.
The Reconstructive Surgeon
Have you ever heard the children’s song “one of these things is not like the others“? The first time I saw this doctor I was sure he was coming in from an all night bender. He hadn’t shaved in a few days, his hair was all in a mess, and he was in a t-shirt and scrub pants with a lab coat on. He had a much more ad-hoc approach, telling us that sometimes he does things “this way” or “that way”, which didn’t instill a lot of confidence in me. At one point I felt like asking him if he’d ever really done this before. I was sure this guy drove a Ferrari, and he’d just slung it into the parking lot sideways on his way home from the bar.
The Results
My wife’s surgeries went well, they did the mastectomies and first reconstructive surgery at the same time. A few days afterwards, when she was at home recovering, a neighbor of ours who also happened to be a nurse stopped by to check on her and see how she was healing. Not only was this neighbor a nurse, she had previously spent several years working for a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills, so she knew exactly what to expect and look for. She was very impressed with what she saw and said that the reconstructive surgeon had done a fantastic job.
As it turns out, that reconstructive surgeon is one of the best in town. His perceived “ad-hoc” approach was simply because he would decide what exactly he was going to do depending on how things looked when he got there. Since he was immediately following the cancer surgeon’s mastectomies, he had to see what he had to work with first. He was so knowledgeable and experienced, he was able to decide what best approach to take based off of the situation in front of him at that time. Even though his appearance and bedside manner could use some work, there is no denying that he is a true professional. It just goes to show that you can’t judge a doctor by his haircut, and shouldn’t make assumptions based on appearance.
And as for his Ferrari, I haven’t seen it yet but I know it’s out there somewhere. I’ve made a few payments on it for him.
What Are Your “Appearances And Assumptions”?
As men, many of us are like that in our professions. We are very knowledgeable and experienced, and capable of addressing situations as they come up. But how do we handle that in our homes with our families? Are you good at handling on-the-spot problems or conflicts? How are you coming across in the “appearances and assumptions” classifications with your family?
I will be the first to admit that this is something that I struggle with daily. Being able to communicate openly and responsively is an essential skill for every father, and something I am working on and trying to get better at. There are times that I don’t know what to say, or how to react to a situation, and more often that not this uncertainty makes things worse.
Being caught off guard by uncomfortable questions and situations is going to happen, and how you react may very well determine the outcome. In heated “discussions” with my teenager, I have said things that I didn’t really mean that I’m sure she will never forget. In conversations with my wife there are times that I should have opened up and said things that I know would have meant so much to her.
On the cars and haircuts scale, more often than not I feel like a bald, raggedy old farm truck. But I’m working to get better.