Do You Offer Your Children Encouragement, Or Just Affirmation?

As a father, you want to show strong encouragement of your children, but at times we tend to blur the line between encouragement and affirmation, often leaning more towards affirmation.  The differences between the two can be subtle, but important.

Encouragement

Encouragement is telling someone that they are doing good, but could also be better.  It is lifting someone up, while also pushing them to go harder. It is praising them for how far they’ve come, while helping them look forward to how far they can still go. Encouragement is inspiring someone to become better than they are, and letting them know that you believe in them, even when you call out their mistakes and tell them they can do better.

Affirmation

Affirmation is telling someone that they are doing a great job, every time, even when they aren’t. It is letting someone believe they are right, even when you believe they are wrong, because that is easier than telling them a hard truth. Affirmation does not offer someone a desire to get better, just to keep doing what they are doing and staying where they are.  In today’s society, affirmation has become a Verbal Participation Trophy ^TM.

Celebrate The Successes

Certainly when your children are younger they need healthy amounts of both encouragement and affirmation, and in many ways the two will blend together. Encouragement and affirmation for a three year old is very different than for a thirteen year old. Definitely celebrate their victories and accomplishments, and let them know when they are doing a great job and that you are proud of them. But as they grow older, it is part of your responsibility as a parent to teach them that they are not always right, and they should strive to become better.

Teach Through The Failures

Your children will not always win. At some point they will experience failure. They will begin to recognize that maybe they aren’t the best there is at what they do, or that maybe they are not studying, practicing, or trying hard enough. They will not always make the team or the cheerleading squad or ace the test. Maybe they tried their best and just didn’t make the cut, or maybe they made the decision to spend too much time on the sofa and not enough time practicing or studying.

In those times, what are you going to teach them? Are you going to tell them they should have turned off Netflix and practiced more, or just say that the coach was biased had it out for them and it’s not their fault? What are you going to tell yourself? Did you fail to help your child achieve their goal, or are you going to blame someone else? There are hard life lessons in both scenarios. In times like these, what kind of example are you going to be for your children?

Encourage Those Around You

The same thing can apply to our friends and coworkers.  Are you encouraging, or affirming, the people in your life? I challenge you to think about how you communicate with people important to you.  Do you always tell them they are doing a great job, or do you offer advice (not harsh criticism!) on how they could have done better?  Do you let them keep going as they are, or do you offer encouragement to become better?  

Are you pushing the people around you to become better, or just handing out a Verbal Participation Trophy?